A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, he yells, Youre not so tough, are you, Batman!
A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?" The bum says no. The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says no. Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?"
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, but hes becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17. "Now watch," says the voice. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says, "Fuck."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing? A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elders message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.
A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, theres nobody there, but theres a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street. Five years go by, and theres another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again theres no one standing there, but theres a snail on the welcome mat. The snail looks up and says, What the hell was that all about?
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